A letter to my 18-year-old self

Dear 18-year old Rini,

Here is a very heartfelt letter from your future self. You have just finished high school, which given your laziness in class is actually quite the miracle. Now, you are about to have the most amazing summer with all of your friends. You will stay up with your friends until 6 in the morning every other day. You will cycle home on your bike while watching the sunrise and feeling absolutely free and invincible. Make sure you are present every single moment, because ten years from now you will be yearning for the close and meaningful connections that you take for granted right now.

Stop worrying so much about what you look like. You don’t have to compare yourself to your “thinner, prettier, taller, more desirable” girlfriends. I know you are very insecure and you are dating someone that isn’t telling you how beautiful and desirable you are, but trust me, you are enough.

Girl, I know that you recently lost a lot of weight on this stupid detox diet. Yet, you are already planning your next detox diet, because you are still not happy with how you look. Let me break it to you: No matter how much weight you will lose in the next ten years and no matter how hard you will work to have that six pack and shredded body, you will never be happy with the results.

Actually, you will be even stricter and more unhappy with your appearance. You will continue to diet, restrict, rebound, restrict again and fall into some really dark places of disordered eating. It will take a lot of strength and courage to break the cycle and it will take you many many tries. I just want you to know that you are going to be okay.

There will be nights where you binge eat and go to the bathroom to throw up your food. There will be nights where you pass out on the bathroom floor crying. But let me tell you this: You. Are. Going. To. Be. Okay.

Instead of worrying about what you look like and what the people around you look like, I want you to be in the moment. I want you to take it all in. I want you to ride on that bicycle on your way home and throw your hands up in the air and scream off the top of your lungs, while watching that sunrise. You are alive my friend and it is a gift.

Instead of letting thoughts of a thinner body take up your entire head space, I want you to dream and realise your true potential in the world. Think about what you actually want to do for the next 80 years or so. You don’t have to go to University, just because your parents told you so. Or society told you so. Or because your neighbours’ second cousin didn’t go to University and regretted it. You have to do YOU.

You don’t have to fit into some arbitrary beauty ideal, because it is not reality and it is not sustainable. It will only pull you deeper and deeper into the hole. It is okay if you are not ready to hear this right now. And let’s face it, you probably are the furthest away from actually wanting to hear these things. All you think about is that you just want to give it one last try with that diet, because this time you will be thin forever.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your body is not supposed to look like a magazine cover model. 99 Percent of people are not born looking like this. The good news is that it is OKAY to not look like this. There is nothing wrong with having your own unique body shape because you are enough just as you are.

Next time you crumble and think that you can’t live like this anymore, think of me as the little voice in your head telling you: It is going to be okay, my love. You will one day realise that there is far more important things you can do in this world than pursuing the perfect body. You are so much more than your body.

PS: Please get rid of those blonde highlights in your hair, because girlfriend, you are NOT pulling them off.

Love,

28-year old Rini