Food = frenemy – How my eating disorder stole 12+ years of my life

Will food ever become my friend?

This is going to be a tough blog post to write. I have never shared my full eating disorder story with anyone, except my husband. However, I want to be real and authentic with everyone and I have nothing to hide. I am not embarrassed or ashamed about my story with food anymore, I know it wasn’t my fault that things got so messy. It wasn’t me, who failed at dieting. It was my very first diet that failed me. So, here it goes, my relationship with food from pre-teens to now.

Pre-Teens

Growing up, I remember always loving food, but never spending too much time thinking about it. My mum cooked for us every day, and whenever the meal was ready, I sat down, enjoyed my food and moved on. Once I was full, the food became less interesting. Other things became more appealing, such as playing with my friends or doing arts and crafts. Although my parents did usually make me clean my plate, I honestly don’t think that this contributed to my eating disorders.

Teens

There are a few situations I remember as a kid and teenager that stuck with me. I remember really enjoying swimming, until my older brother made a comment saying I had “manly shoulders” from swimming too much. Ever since, I never really swam again, except for fun. It’s crazy, how little comments like this can change your whole life. I think if he never said anything like this, I might have even done it competitively.

However, I don’t blame him, it was my insecurities that were fueled by his comment. Another situation is my sister telling me that I shouldn’t eat pizza for dinner, because it is very fattening. Or my dad making comments on how my appetite is so big and I should be careful. I also remember gaining weight, back when I was on the pill and my parents being very concerned about this.

All of these memories may have played a part in what came after, but I am 99 percent sure that the very first legitimate “diet” I went on is what made the last 10 years of my life a food-hell.

My very first “real” diet

Right before I graduated high school, I read a magazine article about water fasts. All you could have for 7 whole days was water and tea. Water and tea would apparently “flush out all of the toxins” in your body and make you feel like a superhuman. The liquids-only diet would also “help kick start new eating habits that you could keep for life”.

What a load of horse shit. Well, my 17-year-old self soaked it all up and thought: “Wow, 7 days is nothing, I can just not eat for seven days and then only eat healthy for the rest of my life. This sounds like a great idea!”

 

The water fast

So, I did the water fast. Twice. In a period of 4 months. The 12 pounds I lost during the first water fast crept back on, so I got scared and thought: “Maybe, if I do this again, I will actually keep the weight off this time.” Wow, I was so gullible and had no nutritional education. In a period of 6 months, I dropped about 25 pounds and looked insanely skinny.

I weighed in at 100 pounds at 5’5”, which given my body type looked extremely thin. Even though I felt like absolute crap, always shivering and zero energy, I loved my body. I was probably eating 800 calories per day and exercising every day for 2 hours to maintain this body that I loved so much. I became obsessive about food, it’s all I thought about, but I wouldn’t let myself have anything except veggies, some fruits and the occasional chicken breast. Until I crashed.

The first binge

I remember the morning I binged like it was yesterday. It was during summer break before University. My family was on vacation and I had the house to myself. Around 7 am I woke up with a grumbling stomach and all I could think was: “I have to eat, NOW.” I was on auto-pilot.

That morning, I drove to the store and filled my basket with nothing but chocolate, ice cream, granola, frozen pizza and French fries. While I was in the store, I thought to myself that it was okay if I ate these foods today, because tomorrow I will be back on my regular eating plan. At the time, I had never heard the term binge eating or even bulimia. I had no idea that I was already suffering from an eating disorder.

The After-math

For the next three days all I did was lay on the couch, watch “Scrubs” and eat all of the foods. I felt disgusted with myself and ate until I had to throw up. But I couldn’t stop. Every time my stomach had a little bit of room, I continued to eat. I went back and fourth between sweet and savory foods and pretty much ate for 72 hours straight. Yet, I was still convinced I did not have an eating disorder. After I finished all the foods I bought at the store, I made a pact with myself to never ever have these foods again and only eat vegetables for the next week to make up for it.

This is how the cycle started. I stuck to my diet for the next three weeks, only to crash even harder and binge until I laid next to the toilet and eventually passed out into a food coma. I stopped counting the times I fell asleep curled up next to the toilet and woke up on the cold bathroom floor crying, ashamed, depressed and mortified that I had done it again. The binging and purging lasted about 3 years. I never told anyone.

My early 20s

When I turned 20 years old, I was very unhappy. The guy I was dating treated me like garbage and I attended Cologne University to become a teacher, which I came to realize wasn’t my passion. I felt so lost. All I wanted was to pack my bags and leave Germany, start over. My bulimia was at its height and I didn’t know a way out. I was too ashamed to ask for help or tell anyone what I was going through. Why? Because I thought I was the only one. Social media hadn’t taken off and people weren’t sharing their stories like they do today. I felt so alone.

One night, a girlfriend of mine, who was getting ready to leave to Australia convinced me that this was the best time to do any traveling. We were still young and had no responsibilities. I made the decision right there and then: I was going to book a flight to Sydney, break up with this guy and quit University. I booked my flight the next day. Despite the fact that I had no idea what the next two years had in store for me, I knew I had nothing to lose.

Australia

The first year I spent in Australia was probably one of the most amazing times in my life. I met friends that I am still close with and met my now-husband. I travelled the East coast, spend every day at the beach and worked different jobs to afford my travels. There was no sign of my eating disorder.

I was never alone and always hanging out with amazing positive people. I was convinced I had finally gotten over this food craziness. Until I didn’t. Once the first year was over and most people left, I decided to stay another year, as I wasn’t ready to leave Australia and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.

The second cycle

I spent a lot of time alone again, working, coming home to an empty place and feeling lonely. The familiar thoughts crept up again. “Just go to the store and load up on yummy foods, no one is going to know. Just eat whatever you can today and don’t eat anything tomorrow. You can always go for a long run on the beach to work it off.” So the cycle started again. This time, instead of purging, I exercised obsessively and restricted the next day.

The binge-restrict phase aka “clean eating”

Hence, the next phase of my eating disorder: Binging and restricting, which lasted until a couple of years ago. I was already into fitness and I was desperately looking for a way to conquer my binge eating.

That’s when social media and people I knew introduced me to clean eating and bodybuilding. In the beginning I felt great, I was allowed to have six meals per day!! I was actually allowed to eat! And I could build my workouts around shaping my body the way I wanted it to look. “Strong not skinny” was popular at the time and so I thought that this was a great way to stop restricting.

Body Dysmorphia

A few months into my clean eating journey, I had never looked more shredded in my entire life. Yet, I felt fat and bloated. Looking at pictures of myself at the time I cannot believe I thought I was big. My body was almost as small as I was during my anorexic time, only with muscle.

I looked like the picture of health that is promoted everywhere. And again, I was completely oblivious to the fact that I had developed yet another eating disorder: Orthorexia Nervosa.

All I allowed myself to have was 6 small meals, consisting of oatmeal, egg whites, protein powder, chicken breast, brown rice and broccoli. All the while, I exercised 5-6 days a week for two hours at least.

My period was gone, I had no libido and obsessed over food yet again. I was so judgmental of other people eating delicious foods, yet so jealous that they were allowing themselves to have it and I was not. Every time friends invited us over for dinner, I almost had a nervous breakdown, because I was scared about the foods they would serve. “Oh my god, I can’t have anything but chicken breast, broccoli and rice, what if they serve something unhealthy?! My efforts will be ruined!” It was not a fun time.

Pre-wedding jitters and food deprivation

As history repeats itself, I crashed once again, hard. My body was done with it. Even though I ate cleaner than ever, I started to gain weight. I couldn’t believe it. No matter how strict I was with my diet and how much I exercised, the pounds crept on. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and I hated my body for it.

Little did I know that my body was trying to do me a favor. It was trying to survive. The timing couldn’t have been worse, because it was two months before my wedding. The day of the dress fitting came and my dress didn’t fit me anymore. I broke down crying and was so mad at my body for doing this to me. I actually had to pick a different wedding dress, because the bigger size wasn’t available anymore.

The following weeks, I dieted harder than ever for my wedding and was able to shed some of the weight in the most unhealthy way. After the wedding, I was done dieting. My body was done dieting. I couldn’t keep up with this lifestyle anymore and gave up.

The compulsive overeating

The binging started again, but this time, I couldn’t even restrict anymore. Once the afternoon rolled around, I was on autopilot once again and ate and ate and ate.

Since October last year, I probably gained about 20 pounds, maybe more. But I am finally okay with it. I worked with a health coach for a while to try and overcome the thinking patterns that drive me to binge eat and I have managed to stop the crazy binges.

The weight hasn’t come off, but for the first time in my life, I have surrendered. I accept my body the way it is and I know that it is at its healthiest weight. My period finally came back, I have a libido again, and even tough there is still bad body image days, I love my body just the way it is.

Finding peace with food

I now know that the binging was due to the fact that I was starving my body of nutrients. It was desperately trying to gain weight to survive and it was doing everything in its power to get me to eat. Once the binging kept happening, my brain formed a habit and kept driving me to binge eat over and over again.

I am finally at peace with everything, I am not mad anymore that this happened. My eating disorders robbed me of many precious memories I could have had with friends and family that I cancelled, because I felt fat or had just binged.

Trips that I didn’t go on, because I didn’t want anyone to see me in a bikini. Friendships that never blossomed, because I felt so insecure about my body. Staying in on Saturday nights, because I wanted to binge instead of going out… But I have forgiven myself.

Having found peace within myself, I am now ready to live my life. I will not let a bad body image day ruin beautiful moments. I do not want to wake up when I am 80 years old full of regret that I never took all the chances in life, because I didn’t feel thin enough. Life is too short.

My commitment to self-care

The promise I made to myself a few months ago is to fuel myself with healthy, nutritious and delicious foods. Foods that feel good in my body. I promised to move my body in a way that I enjoy and to take care of myself like I would take care of a friend or family member.

If I want to eat a piece of chocolate, I am going to eat the damn piece of chocolate and move on. After breaking up with strict clean eating, food is not as seductive to me anymore, to be honest it is kind of boring. I don’t get the dopamine rush anymore from thinking about food or indulging in too much of it. Binge eating is almost like a drug that I had to give up in order to feel sane again. Even though it is hard, it is so worth it.

Please reach out

I am sharing my story for the first time, hoping that it will give hope to anyone, who is struggling. If I can do it, so can you. Life is beautiful and messy and there are happy and sad moments, but food shouldn’t play a role in this. Please know that you can reach out for help. There are lots of qualified people that are able to help you. You are not alone.